Getting to the center of it all

to some people writing can be a cathartic experience, and sometimes i wonder if i'm one of those people. i do know that occasionally i get a desire to write down something, anything, so long as it is just me putting a piece of who i am on paper. i would say "a piece of my soul" but i have found that most people's souls are like a well made butter croissant. it's layered to it's soft center, and the more layers you peel away the more buttery flakes get all over everything.

i know it's the height of egoism to think that someone would enjoy what i write just because they want to know me, but i think that is why i read. i have yet to meet an author, even one who writes textbooks, who doesn't put a little bit of who they are into what is being written. perhaps that is why stories are so appealing to us.

So why write today? Well I have a LOT on my mind. Some days I just feel like this. I know I'm not perfect, and it is unreasonable to expect me to be. In fact I would go far enough to venture that those around me don't expect that either. But some days I feel like I can't even be responsible. I'm no talking about the days where we just want to slack, we all have those. What I am talking about is what Chris Farley seems to be pointing at in the clip. That no matter how hard I try I can't help but failing in some way.

Of course there is such a thing as trying too hard. I know this, I have done it more than once in my life. But even excluding such occasions there are times where I just can't get it right. So I guess that is why I am writing. To give myself the strength to get up and have another go. I have a lot of that to do for myself right now, and I've cut myself off from some options that have given me refuge in the past.

Will this help? A little, most likely. Yet many things that would give me strength aren't doing as much as usual. At any rate time will do something, whether it is help or hurt depends on me.

I hope this finds you in good spirits and having a good holiday season. Because even though I feel bleak right now, I know what I have laid in store for myself and I can't help but feel just a little bit excited by the good work that I have to do.

On holidays, and jobs

So here I am, supposedly doing homework or preparing a resume, and instead I am reading blogs and playing with google wave. Yeah I have invites on that, if there is anyone interested.

So yeah the time has come for me to make some interesting decisions in my life and they just seem to be piling up faster than I can decide. I wish it were the holidays already, but then if it were and I hadn't made any of these decisions then my decision would be no decision and that is not the decision I want.

Probably the most appropriate decision to share is the idea of going home. See the choice is to spend over $200 and be with family over the holidays (totally worth it), or to save the cash and use it later for someone I really care about. (also totally worth it) I know what she thinks, and that is good, but I really don't know what I should think. That is the problem. Nearly every decision I have to make this season is something I feel very strongly both ways about, and I don't have enough emotional sensitivity to determine which one is more. But then maybe they actually are equal emotionally and I just need to look at it logically.

All i know is that sitting around venting about it doesn't solve the problem. Time to go out and act.