Getting to the center of it all

to some people writing can be a cathartic experience, and sometimes i wonder if i'm one of those people. i do know that occasionally i get a desire to write down something, anything, so long as it is just me putting a piece of who i am on paper. i would say "a piece of my soul" but i have found that most people's souls are like a well made butter croissant. it's layered to it's soft center, and the more layers you peel away the more buttery flakes get all over everything.

i know it's the height of egoism to think that someone would enjoy what i write just because they want to know me, but i think that is why i read. i have yet to meet an author, even one who writes textbooks, who doesn't put a little bit of who they are into what is being written. perhaps that is why stories are so appealing to us.

So why write today? Well I have a LOT on my mind. Some days I just feel like this. I know I'm not perfect, and it is unreasonable to expect me to be. In fact I would go far enough to venture that those around me don't expect that either. But some days I feel like I can't even be responsible. I'm no talking about the days where we just want to slack, we all have those. What I am talking about is what Chris Farley seems to be pointing at in the clip. That no matter how hard I try I can't help but failing in some way.

Of course there is such a thing as trying too hard. I know this, I have done it more than once in my life. But even excluding such occasions there are times where I just can't get it right. So I guess that is why I am writing. To give myself the strength to get up and have another go. I have a lot of that to do for myself right now, and I've cut myself off from some options that have given me refuge in the past.

Will this help? A little, most likely. Yet many things that would give me strength aren't doing as much as usual. At any rate time will do something, whether it is help or hurt depends on me.

I hope this finds you in good spirits and having a good holiday season. Because even though I feel bleak right now, I know what I have laid in store for myself and I can't help but feel just a little bit excited by the good work that I have to do.

On holidays, and jobs

So here I am, supposedly doing homework or preparing a resume, and instead I am reading blogs and playing with google wave. Yeah I have invites on that, if there is anyone interested.

So yeah the time has come for me to make some interesting decisions in my life and they just seem to be piling up faster than I can decide. I wish it were the holidays already, but then if it were and I hadn't made any of these decisions then my decision would be no decision and that is not the decision I want.

Probably the most appropriate decision to share is the idea of going home. See the choice is to spend over $200 and be with family over the holidays (totally worth it), or to save the cash and use it later for someone I really care about. (also totally worth it) I know what she thinks, and that is good, but I really don't know what I should think. That is the problem. Nearly every decision I have to make this season is something I feel very strongly both ways about, and I don't have enough emotional sensitivity to determine which one is more. But then maybe they actually are equal emotionally and I just need to look at it logically.

All i know is that sitting around venting about it doesn't solve the problem. Time to go out and act.

To Quote a Phrase

"If you listen to your fears, you will die never knowing what a great person you might have been."

“High achievers spot rich opportunities swiftly, make big decisions quickly and move into action immediately. Follow these principles and you can make your dreams come true.”

-Robert Schuller

“I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time.”

-Calvin & Hobbes

“Dreams do come true, if we only wish hard enough.You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.”

-James Matthew Barrie

“Don't be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams.”

"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable"

-Unknown



“The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.”

-Tom Bradley

“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”

“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you.”

Age Old Story... You go to buy glasses...

This is a post long in writing. I have had several blogs in the past, and I am quite horrible at keeping up on them. I really only write for myself, and so I am horrible at updating.

For the past five months now I have been distracted. Okay, so I've been absent-minded my whole life. But the point is I've found someone who I give more of my attention to than usual, and it has been wonderful. I have reached out more than ever before, and found a focus on another person outside of myself. This is a difficult thing for me. I am really good at being self-absorbed and single minded. I suppose that will be a good thing for her too. Because when I set my mind to something, I'm not going to give up. I'm so good at that in fact, that my dad calls what I do a "Ryan Obsession." This is a bit different however.

Five months (or so) ago I went on a bit of a spending splurge. I had just finished paying all my BIG bills for the summer (tuition, rent, etc.) and felt like spending some money. Just another obsession I suppose. I went out and bought a PSP, several movies and Glasses. By this I mean the kind that improve your vision.

Now when I bought the glasses, I also took the girl that sold them to me out to lunch. The entire time I was in the glasses store her coworkers were hounding her about giving me her number. I didn't see this directly by the way, I just knew they were acting weird, and while the thought that they "needed to talk to [her]" about me crossed my mind, i didn't want to be too presumptuous. After all, I don't usually have girls look at me the way she was doing, so how was I supposed to know that she thought I was cute? Yeah, guys ARE clueless.

Anyway, so I got done with my glasses and ordering etc. and I'm walking out of the store when i hear the manager call out my name. I think "What, did I forget something?" Then this guy, who was constantly bugging the cute girl trying to sell me glasses, hands me a card with the girl's number on it and says "She thinks you're cute. You should call her." I'm a bit shocked, and I really don't know what to say, so I say something like "The feeling is mutual, and... I will call." Then I walk away.

Of course I don't get halfway down the mall before I think to myself, 'Hey, it's lunchtime. If you really think she is cute, you should show her by asking her out to lunch.' I do, and so I did. I turned around and walked back into the store. She was in the back, so the manager (with a huge smile on his face BTW) calls her out and I ask her "Do you eat lunch?" Yeah, so I was nervous.

But she said yes, so we went to the food court and I paid. That is what a gentleman does right? I mean sure, it's the food court at a mall, but still. The lunch was good, and the conversation even better.

Five months to the day after that I asked another question. She said yes then too.

But that is another story.

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How is it that every time you think you are going to have time to sit back, relax, and have a breather, the world turns on you and you have thirty things to do before gong to bed tonight?
Not that this is my case today necessarily, but it looks to be that way soon.

And the irony to it? When all is said and done, you were happier and more productive when you were running 500 m.p.h. To those of you out there having a rough time of it, well it'll get better someday, and until it does, i made sure there is a nice big knot at the end of your rope for you to hang on to when you get there.

Soo.... Someone went into my g-mail account and turned all the settings to arabic. It really stinks and i am fairly upset. I got my settings fixed for g-mail but all my other account stuff is really screwed up.

In other news, the snow up on the alpine loop i really pretty. If you have a good car and someone to go with you should totally check it out. Be Careful though, we saw someone in an accident where they were waaay of the side of the road and down the mountain a bit. I hope they were okay.

Finally, conference was awesome. I really have a lot to re-study and look at how my life is going. But first i have too much homework!

EDIT: The google stuff is fixed. Which is nice because i use their stuff a lot. It's pretty good and it's all for free! ;)